Don’t Touch That!!!!

I don’t often talk of bodily functions on this blog, but hey…it’s a subject that sooner or later will confront every sportsman. I’m talking about the process of taking a shit in the woods. Sorry! I could have sanitized my language a bit (pun intended)…but somehow describing the process as “taking a dump,” defecating, “nature break” or going potty just doesn’t ring as being very sportsman-like.

No, let’s call it for what it is. When a sportsman gets the urge to expel bodily substances it’s generically referred to as “taking a shit.” And yes, in case you’re wondering, this all encompassing phrase also includes activities such as urinating. When a buddy tells me he needs to go take a shit…that’s where the details of the process need to end. Unlike in grade school where we signaled the teacher with one or two fingers, I don’t need any additional specifics on what my hunting or fishing buddy needs to do to regain some physical comfort.

Think back to how taking a shit in the outdoors has either been challenging or downright humorous. I contend that most sportsmen have many funny stories they can relate from this process…if they care to share them.

I once had a neighbor who learned a painful lesson. It seems one of the most important elements of taking a shit in the woods is picking your location with great care. Imagine the discomfort and total embarrassment of squatting in a patch of poison ivy. That’s one mistake you can be sure they won’t repeat.

It also pays to be mindful of what you are wearing. I remember hearing the story about one female snowmobiler who…shall we say…didn’t pay close enough attention to what she was doing. At least not until she pulled up her one-piece insulated suit and flipped the hood over her head. Yup, you guessed it…the hood ended up being a basin for her excrement. Maybe next time she learned to take the suit completely off rather than gather it around her ankles.
Howtoshit
In case you didn’t realize it, the process of taking a shit in the woods has been glorified by author Kathleen Meyer in her book entitled How To Shit In The Woods. If you haven’t read this classic how-to book you owe it to yourself to take a look. Who knows, you might even learn some new techniques for something you probably took for granted.

Let’s face it…preparing for the inevitable is always a good idea. How many times have you packed some TP in your fanny pack for your day trip? Yea, you knew what was likely coming. And the folks at Charmin do too. That’s why they developed their mini rolls of toilet paper called Charmin To Go. Hey, there’s a market for this sort of thing apparently…who likes to use a wadded up length of TP you tore from your bathroom dispenser?
Charmintogo
Indeed, taking a shit in the outdoors is serious business. And sportsmen seem to have as many quirks about doing it as there are funny stories to be told. I know of several fishermen who cannot pee standing in a boat. Apparently it has something to do with their feet not being planted on firm ground. I know…I’m talking quirky here.

I have another friend who doesn’t sit in the deer stand unless he has a mason jar with him. For him, he’s too paranoid about leaving scent from his excrement and urine in the woods. For me, my main concern comes from eating any of the canned pickles or tomato sauce his wife prepares.

I remember once hunting out in Montana on the plains when the urge suddenly struck. There were no trees within miles…just occasional sagebrush. I took a quick glance around…didn’t see anyone…so I felt it was safe to perform my duties. As I was pulling up my pants I had this sinking feeling that folks were laughing at me. Sure enough, on a butte about a mile away was another hunting camp I had not noticed. As I glanced through my binoculars I could see there was a group of guys huddled around a spotting scope laughing at the mere sight of my bare butt.

These guys had interrupted an otherwise refreshing experience. Now that I was feeling much lighter on my feet, I was ready to hit the trail again with some renewed vigor. Suddenly I had a flashback to my grade school days when we would signal to the teacher our need to go to the bathroom. But this time, I held up only one finger directed to those hunters on the butte…even though I actually went number 2.

Fool Me Once, Shame On You….

May 2, 2005
"Best of" Sportsman's Blog Current Outdoor Issues Outdoor Media (TV/Newspaper/Radio)
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If you recall a blog entry from last December I spoke of an incidence in several Twin Cities restaurants where the menu listed walleye, but, in fact, the diners were actually getting a fish called European Zander. Check out that blog entry here.

Today I want to update that report but also alert you to a similar guise going on in fish markets around the country. This time the fish is salmon, but the misleading advertising is equally as disturbing.

First, the walleye update. When KARE11 News busted several Twin Cities restaurants for serving the wrong fish most of the guilty establishments quickly corrected the error in their judgment. Now, there seems to be much greater awareness and care about what is being served in our restaurants, at least by the owners who make the food buying decisions.

A follow-up report several months later by the same TV news station shows that almost all restaurants have changed their ways and when a restaurant now says it’s serving walleye it more than likely IS walleye. The exception is for two restaurants that are taking the battle to the FDA and are seeking approval to use European Zander and Walleye as acceptable and interchangeable substitutes. Unfortunately, even though a follow-up report indicates that most diners find the two fish species largely indistinguishable to the palate, a restaurant bent on continuing to fool its patrons deeply concerns me.

You see there is something inherently important about ordering walleye and then being served walleye. To a sportsman, as well as a consumer, the walleye has a mystique that is somehow cheapened by an unscrupulous restauranteur that thinks they can get away with fooling diners with a fish that in no way is associated with the waters of North America.

Now we learn that similar tom foolery tactics are taking place in many of the nation’s fish markets with salmon. This time what’s at issue is not whether the fish is salmon, but whether it’s WILD salmon as promoted. You see, with salmon you typically have farm-raised as well as wild…and the difference is quite substantial when it comes to quality.

For instance, with farm-raised salmon the fish are often fed pigments in their feed to artificially color the filets for a nice pink appearance. More importantly, farm-raised salmon commands about 1/3 the price as wild salmon…so if someone makes the switch and you’re not aware it means extra money from your pocket into their pockets.

The big problem with wild vs. farm-raised salmon is that you cannot distinguish between the two by appearances alone. It takes a lab with sophisticated equipment to discern the difference. That is…up until the fish is cooked. Culinary experts agree that the process of cooking salmon is what separates the quality of wild with farm-raised. The flavor of wild salmon is incomparable to that of the farm-raised version which often lacks the robust fish flavor.

But imagine paying top dollar for a nice wild salmon steak and then not getting your money’s worth. Furthermore, if you’re seeking the health benefits of eating something natural and pure from additives then you are not getting what you’ve paid for at the market.

Fortunately the media has done a rather good job exposing these instances of food chicanery. Still, the onus is ultimately on each of us to make sure we are getting the fish we expect to receive whether we are dining out or consumers at the market.

Recently, I was at a restaurant where the daily special was a walleye sandwich. I asked the waitress if the fish was walleye or if it was European Zander. She immediately looked confused by my question…so I demanded some proof from the kitchen. Moments later the cook brought out a box proving the fish being served was indeed walleye. Not only was I satisfied with them showing me some proof, but I believe it put them on notice that customers actually care about what they eat and sometimes will demand some confirmation of how that food is promoted on the menu.

Making Sense of Various Outdoor Scents

One step outside the door this morning and you would hardly believe it was the first day of May here in the upper Midwest. The high temperature for today will top out at about 45 degrees or so…if we’re lucky. It was a perfect day to stay indoors and clean a few guns that were still neglected from last fall.

During the process of cleaning the guns I paused for a moment to enjoy some of the smells – particularly the smell of the Hoppe’s Solvent. There is no doubt about it you could blindfold me and pass an open bottle of Hoppe’s under my nose and I would be able to distinguish that unique smell. More importantly, the smell of Hoppe’s seems to bring back a rush of memories of my sportsman’s career dating back to the early days of owning my first .22 rifle.

This got me thinking just how important smell is to the sportsman’s nose. What other substance could you pass under my nose and it would immediately evoke memories of my sporting past? One substance that comes to mind that I do not believe is even made any more is E.J. Daily’s Muskrat Lure. Here was a substance designed specifically to attract muskrats in to my trap sets…but the sweet anise-like smell is as vivid in my mind today as it was 25 years ago when I last opened such a bottle during my youth.

Same holds true for campfires. I can sit around the fire during a summer camping trip and it will remind me of times spent hunting deer in northern Minnesota…antelope hunting in Montana…elk hunting in Colorado…well, you get the picture. The smells of a simple campfire somehow binds many of the fond memories of my past and in the process it puts a smile on my face.

Even though humans have some of the most pathetic sniffers of any mammal, it’s surprising how much we do rely on our sense of smell. Studies have shown that memory is so closely linked with smell that we stand a far better chance of remembering an event if there was a smell associated with it.

When the brain learns something that is associated with a smell, coming into contact with that same smell at a later date will bring back complete memories of everything the brain learned that was associated with that smell, including any associated emotions. This is called the "Proust effect".

Wow! Think of how much we take for granted when it comes to smell. When we’re fishing on a northern lake and we smell the fresh cedar and pine air, it’s a big part of the experience even if only on a subliminal level. Not having the pine fresh air on a fishing trip for many of us would fail to connect our thoughts with past trips. Likewise, not having the ripe sagebrush of the Wyoming or Montana plains would mean something important was lacking from that natural experience.

Many years ago I was gutting a deer I had shot moments earlier on ridge overlooking a gorgeous valley. It was such a peaceful location that I took my sweet time to appreciate both the moment and the fallen animal. When it came time to eviscerate the game I suddenly stopped and began thinking about my professional career at the time. I was an ambulance professional and it was fairly common to get blood on my hands and clothes during the course of performing my duties.

But something about the deer that morning evoked a memory of a particular car accident I was once on and I was convinced it was the smell of the blood that connected the two events. Prior to that I did not realize blood had a distinct odor that was discernable even to a poorly developed human nose…but it does. There have been several times since then when I have smelled blood and it connects me to my past experiences in life.

Often as sportsmen we don’t take the time to “smell the roses,” so to speak, about the activities we enjoy. Maybe it’s an exciting moment in time during a turkey hunt after the successful shot is made. Do you remember the pungent smell of the gunpowder during the crisp early morning? Or maybe it’s the end of a long day of catch and release fishing when all you have to show for your efforts are "fishy" hands and clothes.

While there’s certainly been lots of studies conducted on smells I happen to believe that smells have a cumulative effect on the sportsman. The more times a person experiences a specific odor the more likely it will be permanently etched into their mind. Unfortunately, much like an odor smelled over a long duration of time, sometimes the olfactory receptors get tired and stop sending recognition signals to the brain.

What a shame! A big part of the outdoor experience is not just the sights and sounds we experience…but it’s the smells, too. This spring and summer I suggest paying a bit more attention to the wide variety of smells that sportsmen must endure—albeit, many being pleasant odors…while some are downright disgusting.

Indeed, a sense of smell will often connect you with your past and isn’t it the wonderful memories we create in the outdoors today that we want to last far into the future? Recalling those odors along with the "visual" experience will ensure each of our outdoor recollections stay as vivid tomorrow as they are re-played today.