Spectacular Story…Or Urban Legend?

Every so often I get one of those e-mails from a friend that makes me raise an eyebrow with that suspicious look of wonder.   You know what I mean…a spectacular story usually involving a couple of idiot hunters who made some poor decision while afield.   In most cases, I’ve determined, it’s a story that deserves a closer look.

Take, for instance, this story sent to me today by my buddy, Jeff.   Unless you’re some newbie to the Internet…I’d be surprised if you haven’t read some variation of this tale in your e-mail.   Take a read:

“Two hunters from Minnesota (true story). The story was heard on a radio program, a true report of an incident in Minnesota:
 
A guy buys a brand new Lincoln Navigator truck for $42,500 and has $560 monthly payments. He and a friend go duck hunting in winter, and of course all the lakes are frozen. These two guys go out on the lake with their guns, a dog, and of course the new vehicle.
 
They drive out onto the lake ice and get ready. Now, they want to make some kind of a natural landing area for the ducks, for the decoys to float on. In order to make a hole large enough to look like something a wandering duck would fly down and land on, it’s going to take a little more effort than an ice hole drill.
 
So, out of the back of the new Navigator truck comes a stick of dynamite with a short 40 second fuse. Now, these two rocket scientists do take into consideration that they want to place the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they, (and the new Navigator truck), are standing. They don’t want to take the risk of slipping on  the ice when they run from the burning fuse and possibly go up in smoke with the resulting blast.
 
They light the 40 second fuse and throw the dynamite. Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the vehicle, the guns, and the dog??
 
Let’s talk about the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for “RETRIEVING”.  Especially things thrown by the owner. You guessed it, the dog takes off at a high rate of doggy speed on the ice and captures the stick of dynamite with the burning 40 second fuse about the time it hits  the ice.
 
The two men yell, scream, wave their arms and wonder what to do now. The dog, cheered on, keeps coming. One of the guys grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with #8 buckshot,  hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab. The dog stops for a moment,  slightly confused, but continues on.  Another shot and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and of course terrified, thinking these two geniuses have gone insane.
 
The dog takes off to find cover, under the brand new Navigator truck. The men continue to yell as they run. The exhaust pipe on the truck is still hot, so the dog yelps and drops the dynamite under the truck, and takes off after his master.
 
Then –BOOM– the truck is blown to bits and sinks to the bottom of  the lake in a very large hole, leaving the two idiots standing there with this “I can’t believe this happened” look on their faces. 
 
The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is NOT covered. He still had yet to make the first of those $560 a month payments!!!”

Sounds spectacular, right?   Imagine…those idiots will be making payments on a new truck for four or more years and not have the pleasure of even driving it during that time.   Makes you feel much better about climbing into that ‘95 Suburban that looks like crap but has long since seen any loan payments, huh?   Well hold it there just a minute!!   If you believe this story then I have a self-guided snipe hunt out in the Dakotas I’d like to offer you.   Often things are not as they might be promoted on the Internet.   After all, we all know the lakes are almost always frozen enough during the Minnesota duck season to drive vehicles out on the ice…who needs a boat!!??   Yea, right!

Whenever I hear a spectacular Internet claim my first stop is to www.snopes.com to verify if the statement is fact or fallacy.   Check it out.   You can read hundreds of Internet claims that are often de-bunked as a wild stretch of the imagination.   Far too often people put too much credence into what they read on the Internet, so don’t be one of those who gets constantly fooled into thinking a story is real just because you read it.   More importantly, don’t be one of those e-mailers who gets caught forwarding a piece of fiction without first properly checking it out for validity.

There are enough humorous stories that have happened to outdoor enthusiasts without making them up or sensationalizing them.   I just happen to believe a story is that much better when I know it happened for real and not in someone’s imagination.   Heck, it’s another two months away until April Fool’s day.

© 2006 Jim Braaten.  All Rights Reserved.   No Reproduction without Prior Permission.

The Ten Commandments: Minnesota style

Someone sent this one along to me in an e-mail and I thought it was cute enough to share.   Yes, der are dem folks up in Minnesoda dat reelly do talk dis way, don’cha know?

The Ten Commandments: Minnesota style

1. Der’s only one God, ya know.

2. Don’t make that fish on your mantle an idol.

3. Cussing ain’t Minnesota nice.

4. Go to church even when yur up ‘nort.

5. Honor yur folks.

6. Don’t kill. Catch and release.

7. There is only one Lena for every Ole. No cheatin’.

8. If it ain’t your lutefisk, don’t take it.

9. Don’t be braggin’ about how much snow ya shoveled.

10. Keep your mind off your neighbor’s hot dish.

© 2005 Jim Braaten. All Rights Reserved. No Reproduction Without Prior Permission.

Don’t Touch That!!!!

I don’t often talk of bodily functions on this blog, but hey…it’s a subject that sooner or later will confront every sportsman.   I’m talking about the process of taking a shit in the woods.   Sorry!   I could have sanitized my language a bit (pun intended)…but somehow describing the process as “taking a dump,” defecating, “nature break” or going potty just doesn’t ring as being very sportsman-like.

No, let’s call it for what it is.   When a sportsman gets the urge to expel bodily substances it’s generically referred to as “taking a shit.”   And yes, in case you’re wondering, this all encompassing phrase also includes activities such as urinating.   When a buddy tells me he needs to go take a shit…that’s where the details of the process need to end.   Unlike in grade school where we signaled the teacher with one or two fingers, I don’t need any additional specifics on what my hunting or fishing buddy needs to do to regain some physical comfort.

Think back to how taking a shit in the outdoors has either been challenging or downright humorous.   I contend that most sportsmen have many funny stories they can relate from this process…if they care to share them.

I once had a neighbor who learned a painful lesson.   It seems one of the most important elements of taking a shit in the woods is picking your location with great care.   Imagine the discomfort and total embarrassment of squatting in a patch of poison ivy.   That’s one mistake you can be sure they won’t repeat.

It also pays to be mindful of what you are wearing.   I remember hearing the story about one female snowmobiler who…shall we say…didn’t pay close enough attention to what she was doing.   At least not until she pulled up her one-piece insulated suit and flipped the hood over her head.   Yup, you guessed it…the hood ended up being a basin for her excrement.   Maybe next time she learned to take the suit completely off rather than gather it around her ankles.
Howtoshit
In case you didn’t realize it, the process of taking a shit in the woods has been glorified by author Kathleen Meyer in her book entitled How To Shit In The Woods.   If you haven’t read this classic how-to book you owe it to yourself to take a look.   Who knows, you might even learn some new techniques for something you probably took for granted.

Let’s face it…preparing for the inevitable is always a good idea.   How many times have you packed some TP in your fanny pack for your day trip?   Yea, you knew what was likely coming.   And the folks at Charmin do too.   That’s why they developed their mini rolls of toilet paper called Charmin To Go.   Hey, there’s a market for this sort of thing apparently…who likes to use a wadded up length of TP you tore from your bathroom dispenser?
Charmintogo
Indeed, taking a shit in the outdoors is serious business.   And sportsmen seem to have as many quirks about doing it as there are funny stories to be told.   I know of several fishermen who cannot pee standing in a boat.   Apparently it has something to do with their feet not being planted on firm ground.   I know…I’m talking quirky here.

I have another friend who doesn’t sit in the deer stand unless he has a mason jar with him.   For him, he’s too paranoid about leaving scent from his excrement and urine in the woods.   For me, my main concern comes from eating any of the canned pickles or tomato sauce his wife prepares.

I remember once hunting out in Montana on the plains when the urge suddenly struck.   There were no trees within miles…just occasional sagebrush.   I took a quick glance around…didn’t see anyone…so I felt it was safe to perform my duties.   As I was pulling up my pants I had this sinking feeling that folks were laughing at me.   Sure enough, on a butte about a mile away was another hunting camp I had not noticed.   As I glanced through my binoculars I could see there was a group of guys huddled around a spotting scope laughing at the mere sight of my bare butt.   

These guys had interrupted an otherwise refreshing experience.   Now that I was feeling much lighter on my feet, I was ready to hit the trail again with some renewed vigor.   Suddenly I had a flashback to my grade school days when we would signal to the teacher our need to go to the bathroom.   But this time, I held up only one finger directed to those hunters on the butte…even though I actually went number 2.

© 2005 Jim Braaten.  All Rights Reserved.   No Reproduction without Prior Permission.