10 Reasons Why A First Deer Is Better Than A First Kiss

This past weekend sitting in the deer stand I got to thinking about certain things in life.   In our small deer camp we had two hunters bag their very first deer…indeed, excitement was in the air shared by all of us regarding this life-changing event.

Observing their excitement, it made me think back to my very first deer.   Then, I got thinking about other “firsts” in life—like a first car, a first job…heck, I even thought back to my first kiss.

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Young Matt takes his very first deer this past Sunday morning. As for his first kiss, no information was currently available at the time of this posting.

Then, several hours of idle time sitting in the deer stand further got my mind to pondering all these important questions in life.   Somehow, I settled on drawing the comparison between a first deer and a first kiss.

I suppose a non-hunter really wouldn’t understand where I’m about to go with this, but then unless you’ve truly experienced the wonders of hunting there tends to be a lot missing from a person’s life, at least in my experience.

So, here’s my take on Why A First Deer Is Better Than A First Kiss:

  1. A first deer NEVER starts boyfriend/girlfriend rumors causing all your friends to tease you.
  2. A person always takes the time to pose for pictures with their first deer…besides, who wants photographic evidence of that first smooch?
  3. A first kiss usually happens quickly and is quite likely disappointing.  A first deer may take years of effort and the sweet reward of success provides lasting satisfaction.
  4. A person can drive around town and show off their first deer.
  5. It’s ALWAYS necessary to clean up after a first deer.  Rarely, if ever, does a first kiss provide that much sloppy fun.
  6. After a first kiss you could develop a reputation as a lousy kisser.  After a first deer nobody will think of you as a lousy hunter.
  7. With a first kiss you might regret later that it ever happened.   With a first deer there are never any lingering feelings of regret.
  8. If you’re lucky with a first kiss you might remember his/her name.   With a first deer, on the other hand, a hunter likely remembers the date, the time of day, weather conditions, the clothes that were worn, the equipment that was used, who was with the hunter, etc. etc.
  9. A first kiss causes some folks to deny it ever happened.   I’ve yet to meet a hunter who denies ever shooting their first deer.
  10. AND FINALLY, a first deer almost always gives you a little tongue action.  A first kiss…ahh…well, not so likely.

©2010 Jim Braaten.  All Rights Reserved.  No Reproduction without Prior Permission.

HUMOR: Comparing Venison vs. Beef

Controversy has long raged about the relative quality/taste of venison and beef as gourmet foods.  Some people say venison is tough, with a strong “wild” taste.  Others insist venison’s flavor is delicate.  An independent food research group was retained by the Venison Council to conduct a taste test to determine the truth behind these conflicting assertions once and for all.

First, a Grade A Choice Holstein steer was chased into a swamp a mile and a half from a road and shot several times.  After some of the entrails were removed, the carcass was then dragged back over rocks, logs, and through mud and dust to the road.  It was then thrown into the back of a pickup truck and driven through rain and snow for 100 miles before being hung out in the sun for a day.

Next, it was then lugged into a garage where it was skinned and rolled around on the floor for awhile.  Strict sanitary precautions were observed throughout the test, within the limitations of the butchering environment.  For instance, dogs and cats were allowed to sniff and lick the steer carcass, but most of the time were chased away when they attempted to bite chunks out of it.

Next, a sheet of plywood left from last year’s butchering was set up in the basement on two saw horses.  The pieces of dried blood, hair and fat left from last year were scraped off with a wire brush last used to clean out the grass stuck under the lawn mower.

The skinned beef carcass was then dragged down the steps into the basement where a half dozen inexperienced, yet enthusiastic and intoxicated men, worked on it with meat saws, cleavers, hammers and dull knives.  The result was 375 pounds of soup bones, four bushel baskets of meat scraps, and a couple of steaks that were an eighth of an inch thick on one edge and an inch and a half thick on the other edge.

The steaks were seared on a glowing red hot cast iron skillet to lock in the flavor.  When the smoke cleared, rancid bacon grease was added, along with three pounds of onions, and the whole conglomeration was eventually fried for two hours.

The meat was gently teased from the frying pan and served to three intoxicated and blindfolded taste panel volunteers.  Each member of the panel thought it was venison.  One volunteer even said it tasted exactly like the venison he has eaten in hunting camps for the past 27 years.

The results of this scientific test conclusively show that there is no difference between the taste of beef and venison…

Blogger’s Note:  Although the preceding copy (taken, by the way, from an Email joke I recently received) is meant to be funny…there’s also an important message that all hunters should keenly observe when it comes to caring for wild game.   If you want it to taste its very best, then treat it with the proper care it deserves by observing good meat handling skills.   Need some advice?   Here’s a good place to start by clicking HERE.

©2010 Jim Braaten.  All Rights Reserved.  No Reproduction without Prior Permission.

Friday Humor: Keeping With The BEAR Theme

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher, and a Lutheran Minister all served as chaplains to the students at a northern Minnesota college.   They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn’t really all that hard.  A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.  One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment.  They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they’re all together once again to discuss their experiences.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages on his body and limbs, goes first.  “Well,” he says, “I went into the woods to find a bear.   And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism.   Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around.   So, I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him, and Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb.   The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.”

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next.   He was in a wheelchair with an IV drip in his arm and both legs in casts.   In his best fire and brimstone oratory he exclaimed, “WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don’t sprinkle!   I went out and I FOUND a bear.   And then I began to read to my bear from God’s HOLY WORD!   But that bear wanted nothing to do with me.   So, I took A HOLD of him and we began to wrestle.   We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek.   Then, I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul.   And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb.   We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus.”

The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Lutheran Minister, who was lying in a hospital bed.   He was in a body cast and traction with monitors and IV’s running in and out of him.   The Lutheran Minister was in real bad shape.

The Minister looks up and says, “Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start…”

©2010 Jim Braaten.  All Rights Reserved.  No Reproduction without Prior Permission.